a work in progress with occasional regress
by buduica
Summary: In which Blaine in horny, Kurt is not frigid, and there's many stumbling blocks on the way to a happy ending. Or, the foibles of teenage boys discovering the Joys of Gay Sex.


**a work in progress (with occasional regress)**

_by: aishuu_

Note: I borrowed the 31_days themes for March 2011, but about halfway through this gelled into an out-of-order fic so it won't work for it. Thanks to **sophiap** for going to hell in the same handbasket as me.

Warning: Sexual conduct by teenage boys, and a brief cameo by Sandy Ryerson. Any fic that has an appearance by Sandy deserves a warning.

* * *

_Zippers should be undone with care_

"This was not how I was picturing my first time," Kurt says dryly. Despite his words, he looks mortified, but Kurt never admits when he's made a mistake.

But as much as Blaine adores Kurt's characteristic quick-witted responses to whatever the hell goes wrong in his life, now is definitely not the time. He's in too much pain to point it out at the moment, which only gives Kurt the excuse to keep talking.

"I could get you some ice if you think it would help?"

Blaine's response, unlike Kurt's, is definitely not characteristic of his usual dapper personality.

/!\

_Freedom isn't living without rules, it's just living by your own rules_

Landing in the dumpster on Kurt shouldn't be so funny, but it is. Blaine can't help but laugh as Kurt glares at him, before Kurt reaches up and pulls the lid down so they can have some privacy.

/!\

_The best makeup for women is their smiles_

He's been planning a romantic dinner with Kurt, but those plans have been shot to hell by Quinn's breakup with Finn. Blaine isn't sure why Kurt was the one she'd turned to, but all it had taken is one phone call, and a girls night at Rachel's is declared. He understands Kurt's inclusion, but doesn't know what to think of his invite.

Six hours and six makeovers later, Kurt is asleep with Quinn, Rachel and Mercedes curled up with him like a pile of puppies. It's so cute that he's almost ready to forgive the girls for their inadvertent cockblocking.

Tina, the only other person still awake, watches them with a gentle smile, before turning to him. "So, Blaine, would you like a faghag of your own?"

/!\

_Watch out for death flags_

"I'm sure you're expecting me to threaten you not to hurt my boy."

"Kurt did mention something about a gun cabinet and flamethrower."

Burt shakes his head, before leaning over to clap Blaine gamely on his shoulder. "I'm not going to threaten you. I'm going to warn you. Call it a couple words of wisdom from the voice of experience."

Blaine, who really wants the whole "first meeting with the father" thing done with, pales. "Oh?"

"There's nothing that I can do to you that Kurt couldn't do ten times more painfully, and a hundred times more creatively. If you hurt him, they'll never find your body."

Blaine tries to swallow, but his throat refuses to move.

"He takes after his mother. She was sweet, but you really didn't want to piss her off."

/!\

_People who make good first impressions usually suck_

Unfortunately, being gay didn't automatically grant a guy the ability to be good at sucking cock.

"Dammit, Blaine, watch it with the teeth!" Kurt yelps, pushing Blaine's head back.

/!\

_Unlikable things are adorable_

"I have pear hips," Kurt says, disputing Blaine's claim of his perfection. "And my teeth are too small, and..."

Kurt, Blaine knows, is incapable of accepting a compliment that's truly meant. He listens carefully as Kurt continues to catalog his perceived flaws, taking mental notes of what parts he's going to need to pay special attention to.

/!\

_You always remember the things that matter the least_

"You're never going to let me forget this, are you?" Blaine asks.

Kurt stops humming for a second, before he lets himself sing a line from _that_ song. "_Well you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight..._"

Blaine wishes he'd thought to remove the condoms from the dresser drawer before getting this far into the proceedings. And he really, really wishes that Kurt hadn't been the one to reach for them, because while finding a sex toy might have been hot, finding Blaine's stuffed animal Muffy the Mouse really, really wasn't.

/!\

_Love doesn't require a manual_

"This is like giving a woman a negligee on her birthday," Kurt spits out, throwing the copy of _The Joy of Gay Sex_ at Blaine's head.

/!\

_Good things never come in twos (but bad things do)_

The problem with Azimio and Karofsky is that they sometimes come as a pair. Kurt has gotten good at avoiding Karofsky, but he doesn't have as much luck when the two of them are prowling together.

Blaine sends him a sweet text about last night, and Kurt's face starts to transform into a happy smile... which is quickly hit by the rapid double-fire slushies of the two jocks, who step out of the girl's restroom right on cue. He opens his mouth to scream, but finds that somehow he's developed laryngitis, just in time for the sing-off against Rachel in front of the Warblers...

Blaine shakes his boyfriend awake, holding onto Kurt tightly until he settles back down. Blaine stays awake, knowing Kurt never has just one nightmare at a time.

/!\

_When the flag waves, it's goodbye_

"I'm so, so sorry," Blaine apologizes, unable to fully express how humiliated he is. He's heard stories from guys who have a problems with arriving too soon, but never figured he'd suffer the same fate.

Kurt looks down at his sticky chest, not amused in the slightest. "I'm going to go take a shower," he pronounces, sliding off Blaine's bed and stalking out of the room.

/!\

_Like a haunted house, life is full of horrors_

"Never. Again."

"You know I'm clean," Blaine says. "I don't see why bareback is such a big deal."

"STDs aren't the only fun thing you can get from unprotected anal sex. _You_ get a UTI, and then we'll see if you still think it's such a good idea."

/!\

_There are no save points in real life_

"Can I get a redo?" Blaine asks hopefully, wishing to take back the last five minutes of conversation.

"_No,_" Kurt snaps, before stalking out of the room.

Blaine sighs, realizing that he should have known there was no way Kurt was going to agree that spending their six month anniversary working together at Kings Island dressed as Raggedy Ann and Andy would be romantic.

/!\

_Every Man has a hardboiled egg for a heart_

"You know I love you, right?"

Blaine turns around, wondering what Kurt is going to ask him for. Kurt only wheedles when he wants something. Blaine knows he's going to do whatever Kurt wants, so he wonders why Kurt is even bothering with the fluttering eyelashes.

/!\

_Disasters come in threes_

Getting caught by Finn is inevitable, since Finn is too dense to pay attention to the sock on the doorknob. Luckily they hadn't gotten much further than undressing, but it's still embarrassing as hell, and it takes three days before Kurt will even look at Blaine, much less talk to him.

Carole and Burt walking in on them just as they're getting into the position to try sixty-nining is much more embarrassing, but at least it's clear that neither is taking advantage of the other. Burt sputters and drags Carole out of the room so they can get dressed, and that night is spent listening to two straight adults trying to give "the talk" to two very gay teenagers. Blaine doesn't want to think about sex after that, and it's Kurt who is the one who has to take the lead by initiating a roleplay that ranks in Blaine's top ten favorite moments ever.

When the girls from the Glee Club brazenly walk in on them while Kurt is actually _in_ Blaine, Blaine decides he's going to buy a padlock for Kurt's door, no matter what Burt has to say about it. He doesn't trust the look in Santana's eyes _at all_.

/!\

_Men, be dorks_

"You have snitches on your sheets," Kurt says incredulously. "_Really,_ Blaine?"

Blaine, who would much rather return to making out than explaining his fannish obsession, looks a bit chagrined. "Wanna see my wand?" he asks lamely, unable to think of a better comeback.

Kurt laughs so hard he falls off the bed, and Blaine mentally resigns himself to another night of not getting any.

/!\

_The power of imagination is best between two people_

By the third time Tina sends him a link, Blaine is wise enough not to click. He and Kurt may still be learning how to have sex, but reading bad fanfic porn isn't going to help them.

/!\

_There's a fine line between one's good points and bad points_

"Come to bed, Kurt," he calls, knowing they only have tonight before Kurt's parents come back from their minivacation.

"I need to finish this," Kurt replies, staring into the mirror and wiping some pink gunk onto his face. "I'll just be another couple minutes.

Blaine groans, wondering if he should start without Kurt. Blaine loves every inch of Kurt's soft skin, but he doesn't love the amount of time Kurt spends on it.

/!\

_There are things which you won't understand even if you met each other_

"Don't you think it would be hot?" Blaine tries to wheedle. "You, me, alone in the library stacks?"

"No. I am not an exhibitionist, and the idea makes my blood run cold," Kurt tells Blaine. "You know the chances of us getting caught?"

"That's part of the thrill," Blaine says. He has a whole list of places he wants to do it with Kurt, and the library is only the first. He's kind of shocked that Kurt is shutting him down so quickly, since Kurt is a natural born attention whore.

"_No,_" Kurt replies emphatically, and Blaine knows that this is yet another battle he isn't going to win.

/!\

_The important things are usually the heaviest burdens_

"This is your own fault," Kurt says as holds an icepack gently against Blaine's shoulder.

"Excuse me for trying to be romantic."

"I know we talked about how you swept me off my feet, but it doesn't have to be literal. You've got to accept..." Kurt trails off, trying to think of a delicate way to word things.

"If say anything about my 'shortcomings,' we're breaking up right now."

/!\

_As there is light, there is radiance_

"You can't be serious."

"It's all they had."

"I can't think of anything that's a bigger turn-off than a neon blue condom."

"If we turn the lights off now, it won't be a problem?"

"I'll know, Blaine. I'm not letting you stick that up my ass."

"We're not going to have sex tonight, are we?"

"You're brilliant as usual."

/!\

_Don't let sleeping children lie_

Blaine should have known that his parents would choose the worst possible time to return from Argentina. He stares in horror at his mother, who stares in equal horror at the sight of her naked son curled around a naked boy in the living room.

/!\

_Bad guys sleep more often_

"I am not frigid," Kurt declares coldly, his voice full of arctic chill.

Blaine doesn't think there's a way for him to answer Kurt's declaration that won't end up in a severe case of blue balls.

/!\

_We are all soldiers in a war against fate_

"It was inevitable," Tina says sympathetically as she leans Blaine's head over the sink so she can wash the purple slushie out of his hair.

"I don't even go to this school," Blaine grumbles, knowing Kurt is going to have a fit when he sees how Blaine's hair looks. "And neither does Kurt anymore."

"You think that matters? The make out session you two had at Breadstix last week made you target number one as soon as you walked through the doors."

Blaine knows he's wearing a dopey smile as he flashes back to how that night had ended. "It was totally worth it."

/!\

_The chains of men_

"You couldn't have used novelty handcuffs?"

Kurt, blushing profusely, keeps working the hairpin at the police-issue handcuffs that bind him to Blaine. "I was going for authenticity!"

/!\

_Stubborn, impudent, determined, and inflexible_

Blaine can't remember what started the fight or where that insult came from, but it's pretty hard to take Kurt seriously when he's not wearing any clothing.

"You think I'm inflexible?" Kurt declares, his eyes flashing in the fashion that warns Blaine he's just made a serious misstep. Kurt jumps to his feet and balances on one foot, lifting the other so it's over his head. It should look ridiculous, but Blaine's teenage mind immediately offers ten suggestions on what he should be doing with Kurt instead of fighting.

Before he can do anything, Kurt spins around and stalks out of the room, totally unashamed of his nudity or the fact his clothes are still on Blaine's floor. Kurt may be streaking through the Dalton dorms, but Blaine is the one who lost this fight.

"I didn't mean it literally," Blaine whimpers, knowing he's going to spend all night regretting pissing Kurt off.

/!\

_A man must never give up_

"Right there?"

"Not quite. You still haven't hit it."

"How about now?"

"Nope. It's fine, Blaine. Just jerk me off, and forget about it."

"It's not fine! I'm going to find your prostate this time!"

/!\

_Responsible owners should clean up after their pets_

"Yes, Dad, Draco was the one who destroyed the pillows," Blaine says, lying through his teeth as he blames his dog for the mess he and Kurt had made the night before.

/!\

_Beautiful people get boring after three minutes, ugly people you can live forever_

"There's something to be said for dying young and beautiful," Kurt says, staring into a mirror as he combs his hair.

Blaine looks up from his book, startled and a bit afraid. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not speaking literally," Kurt says, scowling at Blaine's reflection. "But I'm dreading the inevitable onset of old age. Sagging flesh, wrinkles, liver spots, hair loss..."

"You'll always have your beautiful eyes," Blaine says without thinking. "They were what I noticed about you first."

Kurt blinks in surprise, before turning back to Blaine. "Excuse me?"

"Even when you're old and wrinkly, I'll look into your eyes and be able to see the gorgeous boy I first fell in love with."

That night? Totally the best sex they've ever had.

/!\

_Everyone cares about somebody_

"I am going to have _nightmares_," Kurt says, shuddering into Blaine's side.

Blaine knows this is a perfect opportunity to make out with his distraught boyfriend, but he's disturbed, too. Meeting Karofsky in the mall would have been bad enough, but seeing the jock was dating a blue-eyed brunette that could have passed as Kurt's twin sister was too much.

"Me too," Blaine admits. He decides tonight is going to be for cuddling, ice cream, and a _What Not to Wear_ marathon, because the idea of sex is too unsettling right now.

/!\

_I want to become someone that beautiful and strong_

The reason they're going to last is that each is convinced he's not worthy of the other. Blaine will always look at Kurt and see the personification of inner strength, and Kurt only sees Blaine's caring heart. So they're going to work hard at making _them_ a success, because failure is unthinkable.

/!\

**Extra:**

_When an old man and a young girl get together, all of creativity abound_

"Do you have the goods?"

"Do you?"

"Limited Edition Die Besten von Ferrero candies, imported directly from Germany. The boxed set."

"Then I have it," Lauren Zizes replies, holding out a CD to Sandy Ryerson. "Real underage boys engaging in carnal relations while wearing Dalton Academy uniforms."


End file.
